Its The Most Wonderful Time....For What?

I started this blog over the weekend and got about a third into it when I had to put it on hold.  After two days I'm back, and deleted what I started.  I'm out of sorts.  Yeah, the holidays do it, the short days do it, waiting for new orders will certainly do it....but this is different.  There's been a couple of events of late which have seared a divot in my heart.  First, our family lost a member too soon.  He was a cousin of mine and only 51 years old.  Then the entire country stood in silence as we experienced yet another senseless act of violence at a school.  This difference this time was it was in the state where I was born and raised.  It was a little too close to home even if at the other end of the state from where my family reside.

So, I'm out of sorts.  I'm punchy, I'm tired as I haven't slept without the help of sleeping medicine in months, and I have not only ignored that I have no filter, I flat out abuse it.  What I mean by that is that I, unlike most people, was not born with the ability to filter what starts in my brain and comes out of my mouth.  It's a trait I'm not proud of.  Over the years I've learned to put a slight pause in between the synapse, just enough to allow for me to say the same thought only slightly less tart.  Lately, I've totally disregarded the pause.  Why?  Well, I've allowed myself to get thin-skinned. 

One of the very things I have no tolerance for with our society is that we've become thin-skinned.  We've allowed ourselves to be offended, put off, taken aback and out-right hurt by what other people say or think about us.  We took the Pledge of Allegiance out of schools for fear of offending non-Christians.  We've taken "In God We Trust" off of our currency due to the same fear.  We've also screwed up our kids by making them now sit "criss-cross-apple-sauce" instead of Indian style, because apparently making reference to the way a person sits is offensive.  And I've allowed myself to become so thin-skinned I'm almost transparent.

In an effort to turn this thing around and get to the positive thoughts (which, for those that follow, is the whole intent of each post I write), I'm going to force myself to take inventory and learn something about why I'm feeling so icky.  First of all, there's a ton of change happening in my life...still!  As if moving half way across the globe, away from all I've ever known, and getting married (to a military dude) and giving up my career wasn't enough.  Stress causes us to breakdown mentally and emotionally.  We start to take things too personal and on the defense.  This is how I've been lately all because of fear of things that feel out of my control.  New things pile up everyday and I just toss it in the pile and strip another piece of my armor away and I'm starting to hurt people's feelings.  That's not me at all, and it stops now. 

I want to take a look at these "piles" and see what I can change.  First of all, we're now awaiting orders for our new (though, hopefully still here in Paradise) destination.  All we can do is wait.  Period.  So, that's what I'll do, wait.  I'll stop thinking about the what ifs and trying to plan for the A's, B's or C's and just go about my daily life so I don't miss one second.  I've been given a great opportunity to be where I am and I want to embrace every day, since there is a chance it could change.  I'm going to start smelling those roses again (or plumeria in my case) on the side of the road for sure.

We're also looking at a new chapter of our lives, home ownership!  While that is a pretty fun process, getting to look at homes and imagining yourself in them, it has a bit of stress attached.  This stress is also a bit exacerbated based on not officially having those damn orders to stay here.  Basically, right now we aren't house hunting, we're wishful thinking.  I suppose I'll just keep wishing, and maybe even make another wish board.  It seemed to do me good back in the day.

I've also been away from my hometown so long that I've grown away from people who were once very dear to me.  It's hard when you have lives, jobs, children, homes, spouses and all that other stuff in between that makes it hard to keep in touch.  It doesn't make it hurt any less though.  I suppose that's what happens in life.  We can't keep the same relationships with everyone when we go through so much change.  Thing is, I'm lonely for those people.  They were "my people", ya know?  Oh, there are little texts here and there and maybe a FaceBook post or two, but not the same stuff as before.  What I must do with this, the most challenging of all the things distressing me, is take those people and hold them close in my heart and continue to love them.  Make a date each month to sit down and hand write a note to them just to let them know I'm thinking of them.  Maybe I'll even include a blurb or two about what's going on in my neck of the woods.  And I'll move on.  I'll develop those types of relationships with people in my immediate life.  Don't get me wrong, I have some pretty great friends out here, but not the lifelong one's I've been so used to.  The one's that know my story.  I'll find that certain spark with someone and pull them into my heart too. I'll find "my person".  New friendships are gifts.  People come to us to teach us something, they leave us with lessons learned as well.  I'm going to look forward to learning so much.

I really think that I can put my mind back in balance if I keep reading (or maybe writing) this over and over.  I know it in my head, now it's time for my heart to heal and know it as well.  I need to look inward and find the person who was once there and pull her out of hiding.  Most importantly, I need to stop taking things so personal.  I'm the only one who's opinions of me matter.  I'm the only one who can make me feel bad.  I'm the only one who can change things.  So I will.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...