For All We Hold Dear....This Time Of Year

 I sit here tonight with my mind a blur.  It's the holiday season and it goes without saying that I am losing my damn mind.  No matter the year, busy or not, I tend to get in a twist when this time of year creeps up.  This year is no different in the twist part, but it is vastly different in that things are moving at a much faster pace than normal for December 1st.  We're packing out of Paradise in 25 days.  Yes, I said twenty-five days!  You see, the Navy decided that it would be a good time for us to go to our next duty station during the holidays.  Oh, no skin off the nose of the Navy and thankfully, Santa Clause will follow us where ever we lay our heads.  But, what about me?  Eh, I'm not having a pity party, don't worry, but I am concerned about how I'm going to keep it all together.

The holidays are an emotional time of year for most people.  It's about family.  It's about friends.  It's about ones we hold dear, near, far, living and beyond.  We tend to all reminisce a bit about holidays past.  Laughs, tears, no matter, we recall every detail.  This year will be no different, and eventually, it will be one of the recollections.  So why am I awake at 11pm on a Sunday night now that my husband is finally home again?  I'm not sure exactly, but I know it has a lot to do with the people in my life.

I got a text today from my niece.  Good lord, did I just say "I got a text today"????  She's 7 years old for crying out loud!  Ah well, I did get a text from her and it melted my heart.  She just wanted to remind me that she hasn't texted me in a long time and missed me.  I can not begin to describe the love in my heart for that child.  She and my two nephews are my lights.  My reasons for living.  My everything.  I miss them so much everyday, but this time of year makes the heaviness in my heart over leaving them so much heavier.  Oh, I know I had to live my life.  I know that I had to follow my heart, and my husband.  I know that they are so very busy with all the things that 11, 7 and 3 year olds do.  But, why does it make me feel so heavy hearted?  I know I'd see them very little if I lived close by anyway.

I keep thinking about my friends too.  Some of them are those forever friends that you can just pick up where you left off no matter the time or distance.  But some of them were daily friends.  The ones who'd come to wine nights, or cocktails with whales.  The ones to shop with and lunch with.  I miss them too.  Yes, I know I'd see less and less of them if I still lived nearby as their babies are being born and growing up and doing all the things that kids do, and lives just get busy.

I miss my family.  I miss my mom and dad, even though I get to Facetime with them weekly.  I miss my brother too, believe it or not.  I miss going to baseball games or Springstein concerts with him.  I miss grabbing a beer or downing some sushi with him.  Oh, I know that I wouldn't have that much time with them if I lived nearby as we'd all have jobs and houses and lives to live.

I miss my coworkers.  I miss the patients.  I miss the daily routine.  I miss my old life.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had not taken the path that I chose.  I wonder if it would have gotten boring over the last five years.  I wonder if I would have chosen a new path that would have led me to this very place.  Sometimes I just wonder.  Let this not be confused with wishing.  I do not wish for my old life back one bit.  I made the right choices for me at that time.  I still make the right choices for me now.  I just wonder is all.

I wonder about the people in my life now.  Those that are in my day to day world.  Some of them are life long friends now, family.  Some of them are surface friends.  I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out the relationships I have.  It's going to be hard to leave here, even if only for a few short years.  I wonder if the contact with remain when I'm gone.  I wonder if it will be the same when I come back.  I know that for some it will, others I'm not so sure.  Again, I just wonder.

I have no real point to all of this other than to get it out of my head so that I can maybe get some sleep tonight.  It's been a rainy day today, coupled with the holidays upon us and that damn 'ol S.A.D. in full swing.  It's no wonder this is my first night of insomnia and not my tenth.  I read a Facebook post the other day that pretty much summed it up for me.  It said, "Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and focus on what could go right".  I guess I should also stop wondering about what would have been and focus on what will be.  What will be is that I am moving to a new town and will make wonderful new friends.  I will be with my husband on the tour of a lifetime.  I will have experiences few can only dream about.  I will be a mentor and an advocate.  I will be strong and supportive.  I will tilt my chin to the sun, grab the babies in my life close every chance I can and keep my true friends in my heart always.  For those that are toxic, I will continue to remove them from my life.  Life is way too short to have to worry about walking on eggshells or to continue trying to make amends for mistakes.  I can not change the past.  I will always forgive, but I can never forget.  I will be the bigger person, and I will step aside when I need to.  I will be the best I can be.

As I have said from the beginning.  This blog is my own personal journal.  It's a tool I use to get myself out of holes that life creates.  I use it to sort my thoughts or come to conclusions on things that have stumped me.  I'm not sure what my conclusion is for today other than in spite of all that I just wrote, I am truly grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life.  I am blessed for the experiences the Universe has given me.  I look forward to what lies ahead and will wake each day with a positive outlook.  At least I'll try anyway.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...