Looking Fear In The Eye....

Okay, Eleanor Roosevelt, what happens when you look fear directly in the eye, slap it around a bit, and it still kicks your ass? Hmmmm, hotshot, what then?  I'll tell you what then, you hang your head, walk back to your corner, regroup and hit round 2!  Yeah, round 2, riiiiiiight.  So here's the story in a nutshell, I have recently been faced with what I consider to be the most fearful experience I've faced in my life so far.  What did I do, you ask?  I attempted to scuba dive.  Don't laugh, it almost killed me....twice.

Long story as short as possible, I enrolled in a scuba certification class, made it through the classroom tests, pool compentencies and got to the beach, only to be taken out, flipped on head, thrown for a loop, by a rouge freaking wave.  Yes, a silly little wave.  A wave with so much power that it literally paralized me with fear.  I actually thought for a moment that it was what it felt like to drown.  Course, I had my regulator in, but in my own defense, I was weighted down with 100 extra pounds (okay, a little exaggeration, but still), was unfamiliar with the whole getting in from the beach, clearing the waves and moving quickly aspect of a beach dive aaaaaaaaand, we hadn't practiced that in the pool. So, when this rouge wave hit me it tossed me like a field green salad.  I apparently didn't have enough air in my BC to keep me fully above water, so I sunk/floated in and out of the beach all while trying to get my fins on, clear my mask of water and sand (eyes open by the way), keep myself from having a total yardsale (for those skiers out there, know what that is) and clench my teeth so tight to keep the regulator in that I think I lost a layer of enamel.  To say the least, I panicked.

Now, what did I do to overcome and regroup from this harrowing experience?  I tried it again!  I know, I know, not bright.  But, my husband, in his infinite wisdom, felt that he could protect me from such monster waves (by doing a boat dive from our boat) and coach me to the bottom thus allowing me the total thrill of the dive that most people find exciting.  NOT!  Oh, we did the boat dive easy enough, but the overall crushing, suffocating, tightening experience of actually going down below the surface of the water did not permit me to descend more than 15 feet, and that's being generous on the recollection.  Seriously, I was frozen with fear. Paralized by my body's own response to fight or flight.  I couldn't breath (again, regulator in), I couldn't swim, I couldn't even think straight.  What....the.....hell?

You may call me a wuss.  You may call me an overexaggerator.  You may call me a lot of things, but you at least have to give me credit for trying it again.  Seriously, I have been involved in some pretty scary things in my life.  I am fully aware that I have irrational fears just like the next guy.  But, I can say, with all my heart, that I have never felt so afraid of death....ever.  I don't like horror movies.  I sometimes make a running leap to get into bed at night for fear of the underbed monsters, and I hate to be snuck up on.  None of those things make me fear for my life though, so why this overly irrational fear of scuba diving.  I love the water.  I love to snorkel.  I love every separate aspect of scuba, except the actual scuba itself.  For the first time, I'm at a loss to explain the underlying cause.  I know there is one, I just can't figure out what it is.  Without this answer, I can't move forward and overcome this silliness.

Here it is, my impasse.  I don't know where to go from here.  I have nothing but thought processes to figure out.  It's not about being courageous.  It's not about facing the unknown.  I don't think it's about control, though, I'm not going to take that off the table just yet.  I'm fairly certain that claustrophobia is not the reason.  So, why?  Why can't I get past this uncontrollable, irrational dread.  I think it would actually be fun to scuba the Great Barrier Reef with my one and only.  Pinpointing the baseline fear in my life should be easy, right?  Well...

Here's the deal people.  Aside from this being my own brainstorming post, I'm also trying to point out that sometimes we are just afraid.  Legitimate or not.  It comes back to that old thing called perception.  It's what life is.  Maybe we are not supposed to figure out a meaning behind all of that which we perceive.  Maybe, just maybe, the not knowing why is the true test for me.  The test of seeing if I can live with something in my own circle that is completely out of my control.  Can I live with not being able to do something?  Can I come to terms with not being able to sort out my emotions?  Will I be okay with not overcoming a challenge?  Winning a war?  I suppose only time will tell.  What I do know, is that I will stick to my usual "three strikes, you're out" mantra and give this hellish "sport" one more try.....in a month or so.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...