To Give and To Take...

It's been a very long while since I last posted.  As I sit here, I can't help but think that I have absolutely nothing to write about.  Oh, I have plenty to say, but nothing to write about.  I suppose this is what they mean when they say "writer's block".  One topic that keeps coming up in my life lately is, making people happy.  I don't really know what to say about this so I'm just going to wing it.  Are you someone who naturally makes people happy?  Are you someone who lives looking at how others can make you happy?  I think the world is narrowed down to these two types of people.  The givers and the takers.  I've touched on this before.  Neither one better or worse than the other, just different. 

I've been doing some self-evaluation lately.  Apparently, I'm not happy.  I'm not sure what I'm not happy about, but I've been told multiple times the last few months that I am not happy, so I guess it's true.  The first time someone pointed this out to me I was like "what???  What do I have to not be happy about"??  The second time, I got defensive.  The third time, I shut up and started to listen.  It's true, I'm not happy.  Oh, I live in paradise in a great house (yes, we do finally own it), with a great husband and great friends, a dog, a boat.  What could be making me so unhappy?  I've thought about this and thought about this and the conclusion that I have come to is that I am no longer defined. 

There was a time in my life when I held so many titles I didn't know which went first.  I was a nurse, a professional, a home-owner, an independent, a great friend, a doer.  I did so much in my life both for myself and others that I saw the rewards that came back to me.  This is the key part:  I "SAW" the rewards that came back to me.  The last couple years have been a cacophony of events.  I married a military man, quit my job, moved to Hawaii and bought a house.  It has been non-stop in the grand scheme of things and extremely overwhelming.  Somewhere in the course of all this excitement, I stopped being needed.  I became the needer.  This is a title I am not familiar with at all.  It is a title I am not comfortable with at all.  Somewhere along the line, I stopped being me and started being "that girl".  While I know that our lives change at various times for various reasons and change is not necessarily bad, this change is something that I am struggling with.  See, those two categories that I mentioned before, givers and takers, they are specific.  It is my own opinion, it's my blog so I can say that, that you are born into one of these categories.  It's like your birth sign.  You can't change it.  You can't control it.  It just is.  My life right now, this unhappiness, is what results when you put yourself into the other category.  It's what results when you stop seeing the happiness that surrounds you.

My whole life I have been a giver, a fixer, a healer, a problem solver, a do-gooder.  It's not a bad thing and it comes natural to me.  I do things for others not because I look to gain something in return, but because doing for others helps me to compensate for what I fail to do for myself.  Oh, this isn't a pity party, it's just the way it is.  I have always felt better about myself when I do good for or by others.  I suppose it can be classified as projection, but who cares.  One thing to note, is that these good deeds, for lack of a better term, are generally not done on a conscious level.  I don't usually realize what I have done unless it's pointed out (which usually results in embarrassment). What I'm trying to say is that givers just give.  We don't think about it, we don't plan it.  We don't make a list and hold on to our shit, we just do.  For me, the reward of how I live my life is by the reactions and happiness of the people in my life.  If I contribute to that, great!

I've crossed into the taker zone lately.  It shows.  I'm miserable.  I'm moody.  I'm crabby.  I'm short and my patience is non-existent.  The way I treat people is deplorable.  It's totally not me at all.  I can look back over the last two years and actually see when it started.  I can see the negativity I've attracted as well.  I can see the types of people I've allowed into my life and those that I let slip away.  I'm ashamed and humiliated.  I'm regretful and remorseful.  Thing is, I don't know what to do about it.  I have slipped so far down the rabbit hole of taking that I feel like when I do give, it's insincere.  I try so hard to make people happy that it is actually a negative.  I have begun to focus my life on how I can do things to make people happy that I have neglected to see or care about whether or not the other person WANTS or NEEDS me to try to make them happy.  I have totally lost control. 

Lack of control is something I am unfamiliar with.  I have always been in control of every aspect of my life.  Military life does not afford this luxury.  Hell, being married does not afford this luxury either.  There's always give and take in a relationship.  I have had to concede a large part of my life to the decision making of others.  I think the break-down occurred when all of the swirling in our lives started.  Everything was happening that I had no control over and I didn't know what to do about it, so I stuffed it all.  Over time, the seams started to burst and all of the stuffing started to come out.  Bad analogy, I know, but I told you I was having a block.  Anyway, my self-analysis has determined that the threat of losing control, and the subsequent loss of control, has caused me to shut down and become someone I am not. 

So, what the hell am I going to do about it?  Well, first of all, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and bad about the way I have treated people.  I do feel bad, but what's done is done.  I need to learn from it and move on.  I have apologized to those that I have hurt, all I can do is let them decide to forgive or not.  Second, I'm going to take all the stress I feel and let it go.  Most of it is out of the circle of my control anyway.  What I can control, I will do so delicately.  While I no longer have titles, or at least any significant ones, I will still try to define myself.  I will go back to doing good without trying.  I will start living my life as if it's on the permanent end and deal with the changes that occur if and when they occur.  I will try my hardest to be open minded again and welcome change as a positive and a learning tool.  I will see all the wonderful gifts I have in my life.  I will look for the silver lining that I preach about.

I don't need a job, an income, a purpose or a pat on the back to know that I am a good person.  I don't need recognition or acknowledgement to know that I am important.  Happiness comes from within.  It's not something you can control other than by putting positive energy out there.  It's not something that you make, it's something that you are.  We all need to look to ourselves to provide the positive energy that we want to come back to us.  No one else can do that for us.  Who cares if we're scared?  Who cares if we're lonely?  Who cares if we are uncertain?  Live in the moment.  I can say for sure, that there is nothing in each moment that is so overwhelming that I can not find a positive in it.  Right now, I'm sitting in my own office, in my own house, in a town that has more beauty that I can define.  I am the only one I need to make happy.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...