This is where I'm at right now, a negative orbit of chaos. Do you know what is happening in this orbit of chaos? It's getting bigger. Do you know why it's happening? Because I am asking for it and accepting it. Why am I asking for it and accepting it? Well the f%&$ if I know!!! That's why I'm writing this damn post, to figure that out. I'll be damned if I sit here at 1am on a Tuesday night and not figure it out. Let's do this people!!
I recently started meditating again. Yes, meditating. I was good at it...once. I even facilitated a guided meditation class. I could turn my brain off at the drop of a hat. Slip into that mode, that silence, that balance, that peace. It's not like that now, that's for sure. I can't get through one 60 second period without having 60 different thoughts bounce inside my head. I feel like a schizophrenic (ha!). I mean it, my brain will not turn off, or even slow down for one second. The worst part about it is that my meditation is being guided by a man I admire to no end. I feel like my failure to turn it down a notch is also a failure to him. Course, it's a pre-recorded meditation and this person has no idea who I am or that I even exist. But, in some small way, I feel that I owe it to him to do this right.
STOP!!! This is the problem! I feel that I owe it to him??? What the hell is that? Why on god's green earth would I feel that I owe a perfect stranger the time of day, let alone the absolute center of my being? Because I'm a freakoid, that's why. I've lost my me! I've become selfless. By definition, selfless means unselfish. Therefore, I have become selfless. I am no longer selfish. Wow! Problem solved, I've become a good person right?? Wrong with a capital W! I've become my old me. The person I worked so hard to get rid of. I have unlearned everything that I dug deep into about myself. Worst of all, I have begun to believe that the word "selfish" is a dirty little word once again. Bahhh!
I suppose you are wondering just what the hell it is I'm talking about. I'll tell you. There was a time, not so long ago, when I learned the true definitions of two powerful words: No and Selfish. I learned no first. The first time I said this word with conviction, I thought I would throw up. I didn't offer an explanation or an excuse, I just said the word and meant it then moved on. I caught the asker off guard and myself too for that matter. I was tormented for weeks with guilt of turning someone down in a time of need. Then I said that little word again, and again, and again. I began to realize that I was powerful every time I used it. Oh, I didn't abuse it, that's just the thing, I used it when it was most needed, and it changed me. Saying no made me a better person...to myself. For the first time in my life I started to evaluate my own needs, my own wants. I took time to really care about me, as a person. Hmmm, figure that! It was after I got good at "no" that I learned the word selfish. See, every time I said no, I was told I was selfish. Got me thinking. So I looked it up (as I do so many words). Turns out I was totally selfish!
Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Yep, that was me, selfish! For the first time in my entire life I was putting me and my needs before the needs of others. I was putting on my own oxygen mask first (think airline safety video). I was taking time to realize what was most important for me. You know what? I became a better person for it. I stopped carrying a chip on my shoulder. I stopped being resentful to people I loved the most. I stopped looking in the mirror and seeing this person who let others walk all over her. I started to like myself, and eventually I fell in love with me. Yes, I loved me! And then...Wellllllll, we all slip and fall from time to time. It happens. So yes, I will admit it, I fell. I stumbled. I dropped the ball on my self. I have been so absorbed and wrapped up with how I can make others happy. Wrapped up in how I can justify my treasured and wonderful life to others that I forgot to put on my O2 mask. What happened is that the life was sucked out of me. I allowed myself to be tread upon, kicked, pushed around and spat on by others. I've said time and time again that I am a giver. Being a giver has a very fine balance between selfless and self-less. Givers have a tendency to get sucked into "the life". We get so wrapped up in fixing things for others, or doing things for others, or living our lives for others that we forget that we are actually living human beings too. We have the best of intentions. We truly are doing what our warped minds tell us is best for those around us. But sometimes, when we've forgotten ourselves, we lose perspective on what exactly is best for those people around us. What results is a crash and burn beyond proportions.
So, what to do about all this crashing and burning? Why start being selfish again, that's what! I need to start saying no without conviction and without excuses. I have recently taken the first breath of that word in a very big way, but more on that in due time. I have also started taking those breaths of no again to the people I love the most. By not telling them things I know they want to hear. Truth hurts, and while I never (ever) intend to make someone feel bad, sometimes a little splash in the face with some ice cold water is enough to make them start putting their own masks on first. The one person I need to really, really work on saying no to is me. I need to start saying no to the negative thoughts that invade my brain. I need to start saying no to the negative ways I provide myself nutrition, and the excuses I make to not exercise. I need to start saying no to the guilt or jealousy or shame that I let creep into my REM at night. I need to say no to the paranoia that sometimes overwhelms me. Sheesh, I guess I do sound like a schizophrenic, huh? Actually, it's just regular old human thought processes blended with emotion. I'm a girl for christ sake, we think a lot. And we're hormonal!
To sum it all up for those of you completely lost. For me, and only for me, I need to start taking time to really focus on myself. I need to continue, diligently, down the road of healthy choices both with food and exercise. I need to take time for me to meditate (I'm determined to get a full 15 minutes in by the end of this three week guided meditation program). I need to take time for me to really seek what it is that I want from my life, and be happy with the decisions I make. I need to stop putting what I think is everyone's best interest before my own. Lord knows, the only one who knows what's best for you is YOU! The only person who can make you happy is YOU! The only person who is accountable to you is YOU! The only person you are responsible for is YOU! And finally, YOU are no good to anyone if you don't take care of YOU first! For us givers, let's take a second to strap on that oxygen mask before we even begin to think of what we can do for others. Love YOU!
P.S. "So hum" is Sanskrit for "I am". I am important enough to care about me!
Life's a beach, and then you live on one...
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