Stages of Grief...Do They End?

We are fast approaching the Autumnal Equinox here in chilly Maine.  The temperatures are quite cool and the leaves on the trees are showing signs of changing color.  Part of me is so very excited to see the beauty that Mother Nature has in store.  Then there's a part of me that wants to close my eyes and just stay in the darkness a bit.  See, I'm experiencing a situation in my life that has me going through the various stages of grief.  

Whatever happens in a persons life that triggers those "stages" is enough to truly make an impact.  It can be the death of a loved one.  A personal illness.  A loss of any kind.  What ever your situation, you will ultimately go through some feelings of grief.  For many it's clear cut and you can actually see them go from one stage to the next.  For others, it's a blur bouncing from feeling to feeling, not quite settling on one in particular.  For me, I think I'm somewhere in the middle.  While I can feel myself going from stage to stage, I keep bouncing back and forth.  It's as if I can't decide if I'm quite settled with my feelings or thoughts.  

Oh sure, we've all been through this before.  Likely, more than once.  So why is this time different?  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  The circumstances are certainly different.  My place in life is definitely different.  But why can't I get a hold on the swirling thoughts jumping around in my head?  I go through each day fine enough, but at the end of it when the world is quiet (as quiet as it can be living where I do) everything starts to build, and sleep eludes me.  

Let's talk about the stages of grief for a second.  I'm not about to dive into Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' model or anything.  I just want to work this all out in writing since I can't keep a thought straight in my head.  First there's denial (and isolation).  That's an easy one for me to overcome.  I'm a realist.  I see things in black and white.  It is or it isn't.  Period.  I may have a very brief moment of disbelief, but then my head kicks into overdrive and I start to analyze the situation and figure out the facts and what course of action, if any, I can take next.  It hurts my heart to see people stuck in this stage.  So much is missed when one can't see the forest through the trees.  Opportunities can slip by.  Quality time can pass.  Decisions don't get made.  Prolonging the inevitable is certainly a way to cope, but what happens next?  Can you live in denial forever.  Eventually the next stage of grief will strike.  Is it harder for those in denial to face the next step?  I think it is.  I think that those who hang around the denial zone have a much worse time with whatever feelings follow, maybe because they realize all that they missed or didn't accomplish or decide upon. 

Anger is the next phase of grief.  I'm going to skip this one for now and come back to it as I have a bit to say on this topic.  Let's talk about bargaining.  This is the "if only" phase.  We use it in reference to ourselves as well as others.  If only we had done "x, y or z".  If only they had said "this or that".  It's a deflection of the pain we feel without actually allowing ourselves to feel it.  Of all the stages, I think this is the one people slip into and then out of quicker.  You can only think in terms of what-ifs for so long and then you're forced to actually feel something.  Bargaining is the numb stage, in my opinion. There's no one feeling that you can pin on yourself.  Guilt comes in here, but I think that feeling is stronger with anger.  Our search for answers and our pleading with our higher power is the highlight of this stage.  We look for answers in the what-ifs.  We expect our higher power to come to us and shed some light on what we did or didn't do and to tell us that it's okay to feel something.

Depression is next.  I personally think that this is a stage that we feel concurrently with all of the other phases.  It just presents itself stronger during different times.  Depression is the scariest stage because often, people get stuck here for a very long time.  It's consuming.  Controlling.  Comfortable.  Why do I say comfortable?  Well, I certainly do not mean in the nice, warm and fuzzy kind of way.  What I mean is that depression grabs hold of you like a vice.  It sinks it's teeth into you and starts the spiral downward.  Next thing you know you are withdrawing (yes, I know that's part of the isolation stage, but remember I said we can be in multiple stages at the same time??).  Then you start to sink deeper and deeper into the abyss of sadness.  Crying, sleeping, not eating (or overeating for some of us), losing all interest in what used to make us happy.  Things become silent and when they are silent they are more comfortable than when they are screaming in your head. If you know someone in this stage and they don't seem to be getting out of it.  Get...them...help.  STAT!  Depression is no joke.  It is truly an uncontrollable force in one's life.  For those that can't recognize it, it can be completely debilitating.  There's plenty of ways to treat it, but you have to see that you're in it first.

Acceptance is the final stage according to Kübler-Ross.  For the record, yes, I do like typing the little dots over the 'u'!  I'm proud of myself for figuring out how to do it!  When you reach acceptance, the light at the end of the tunnel will shine.  Rainbows will appear and birds will start to chirp.  It really is like a switch has been flipped and you can breathe again.  You are able to think positive thoughts and actually believe them.  Life gets calmer and more clear.  You are able to focus on the task at hand and appreciate what you have lost.  You will begin to have happy memories as well.  I feel like acceptance is always in the wings with me.  This is mostly because of my realistic, black and white view of tough situations.  Maybe that's a different stage of grief for me...the black and white view defense.  I don't know, but I hold on to my level-headedness in a situation and depend on it to get me through all of the other stages ahead.

Anger.  Anger.  Anger!  This is my stage right now.  It's weird to think that I'm in acceptance of the situation and angry as hell about it!  My Polish-Portagee blood is boiling.  I demand answers.  I want someone to blame, and I pick (subconsciously) a different person every day.  I hate the way it makes me feel and act.  I hate that I can't control it.  What's worse, I hate that I'm totally aware of it!  I can feel myself start to spin up with hostility for seemingly no reason.  Oh, I know that my old lady hormones can be playing in this mess too, but I truly believe that it's grief that is making me so enraged.  My higher power is getting an earful every day.  I'm not necessarily being negative, but rather, strong.  I am strongly disapproving of the current situation.  I want it to change.  I want it to be better.  I want it to stop.  Depression may be the scariest of stages, but anger is the worst.  Anger brings out things in people that wouldn't normally rear their ugly heads.  Anger makes you come out of your body and enter into this shell of nastiness, seething, and steaming at anyone and everything.  Anger makes you feel like you have an excuse to direct your feelings toward someone else.  Anger makes you feel good when you see others feeling bad too.  Ah, there it is.  It's the old "misery loves company" adage.  Well, it's bullshit.  I don't want others to feel my pain.  I don't want others to bear my grief.  I don't want others to suffer so that I can feel better.  But how do I get out of this?  How can I consciously move myself into another stage, or better yet, skip right to acceptance?  This is my challenge.  This is my goal.  This is what I will strive to do everyday.  I will live in the moment and not look to the inevitable of the situation.  I will take each breath in so deeply it forces all the anger from deep within my soul.  I will be a better person for those around me, especially those going through this grief with me.

It's ironic that all of this is happening within me at a time when things will start to wither and hibernate.  When things will cease and just stop.  A crystally friend of mine once said that the autumnal equinox is not to be viewed as the decaying, dying, dreary time it appears to be, but instead a time of rebirth.  A time when all things regroup and re-energize.  A time to rest and store energy for the long winter.  A time to plant the seeds that will be beautiful flowers in spring.  A time to get close with those around you, huddle together and share warmth.  A time to dream about the life ahead.  We are so busy in summer with all the hustle and bustle of life.  Fall is a time to slow down, pick apples, drink cider and sit around a fire.  Be with the ones you love and plan for the holidays.  Wrap in a sweater and wear fuzzy socks.  Start to see your breath in the air and know that one day, you will see the beauty of someone or something that you lost.  You may see them in the clouds or the stars.  

No matter the time of year or the circumstance, grief has a way of setting in.  We will all go through it again regardless.  My only hope is that with each period of grief, I grow to know myself a little better.  I hope that my ability to deal with pain improves enough so that I can be there, that shoulder, for those that need me.  They say that in every situation is a learning experience.  I still have a long way before I see what it is I am supposed to learn from this.  But, I will keep my heart open for it.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

To learn about ALS please go to: http://www.alsa.org

To donate to my cousin Kristy's, fight against ALS go to: https://fundly.com/kristy-rooks-als-battle#

Thank you!