Life's Lessons....Random Thoughts

Last week, my family and I laid to rest a beautiful person.    It was probably one of the most difficult losses I've experienced.  The last few days I've been thinking about some of the life's lessons I've learned, and a bit about what I'm supposed to be learning now.  Here's some random thoughts:

I am not a person who handles stress well.  Oh, I don't mean day to day stress.  I mean, big, life changing stress.  In my job, I'm trained to handle hard situations.  I can carry that over into my regular life, and use those skills to help others (and go through with others) some the of the most difficult challenges they may face.  But for some reason the ability to get through the big, life changing stuff that I face tends to escape me.  I become a person I don't like.

I hate what stress does to my personality.  I become short, intolerant and well, mean.  I retreat and try to escape everything and everyone.  Basically, I try to shut down.  My mind knows that I can't completely shut down, but my heart pushes me to try.  Defense mechanism?  I suppose, but it's no excuse for being a horrible person.  That's not me.  At least I don't think so.  Thankfully, this time, my body shouted at me and forced me to recognize that I just need help sometimes.  I waved my white flag and started better living through chemistry.  Doesn't make me weak, just smart.  Thank you doctor.

I learned that I truly am a caregiver.  My heart feels most at peace when I am doing for others.  While this is all well and good, I tend to forget about caring for the most important person.  Me. I've known this about myself, but lately, I've come to realize just how often I do this.  I'm not saying it's completely a negative thing, but it's definitely something I need to be more in tune to.  As I've said before, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs.  I'm going to pay a bit more attention to my preachings from now on.

People truly do coming into our lives for a reason.  Good, bad, or otherwise.  It's up to us to either learn from them, or teach them.  While I love being a teacher, it's the learning experience of others that I really do enjoy.  Sometimes, I learn the reason for those in my life while they are actively in my life, sometimes when they have gone.  It doesn't really matter if my lessons are good or bad, it's that I recognize them.  I will always look for the good in people first.  While I do encounter those that have no place in my life, often the negatives that I feel from them are just simply reminders to myself that I can not change anyone but me.  My Universe likes to remind me that when someone is negative toward me, it truly doesn't have anything to do with me, and I shouldn't take it personal.  If I feel negative toward them, I need to stop and look in the mirror to find what it is about myself or my life that is causing bad chi flow inside of me.  Lessons, they are all around.

I am truly surrounded by beautiful people.  Their hearts are made of gold and they share that with me often.  I am overflowing with gratitude for their precence.  Here's the truth people, we don't always get along with or agree with folks in our lives.  We fight, we disagree heatedly, we sometimes even offend each other.  It's not intentional, for it if were, we wouldn't keep these people in our circle.  It's just life, the learning experiences.  I have never intended to truly hurt another human being.  I struggle lately with that as there's so much hurt in my heart over losing my cousin, that I'm lashing out at the weakest link.  I'm aware of it though.  I stop the urge to shred, to back someone into a corner, to cause such pain that they actually feel my own aching heart beating in their chest.  I'm aware of it, and I do what I have to not to go forward.  No one deserves that.  I truly don't want anyone to ever feel the heartache that I have.  Oh, I know it will fade over time.  I also know that it makes me a more compassionate person.  My point is, that I don't intend to hurt those in my world.  If I do, it's purely from the perception within themselves.  If someone finds themselves, or a situation we were in, written up in my blog, it's because they mean that much to me to cause a stir inside of me, good or bad....they've made me learn something about myself.  They've called me on the carpet.  To them, I am grateful.

Family is very important for everyone.  Family is grounding.  Family is loving.  Family is protective

and to be protected.  But does family have to be just bound by blood?  Wikipedia defines family as:

In human context, a family (from Latin: familia) is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity (by recognized birth), affinity (by marriage), or co-residence/shared consumption (see Nurture kinship birth), affinity (by marriage), or co-residence/shared consumption (see Nurture kinship)

Side bar: Wikipedia - what???  what happened to Merriam-Webster!?  Second, "in human context" - hahahaha!, third, "consanguinity", never heard that word in my life!

Okay, back to the thought process.  These days it's hard to keep a thought process, hence, better living  through chemistry.  Oh, I digress again.  Sorry.  Okay, my favorite part of the definition is the "or by co-residence/shared consumption" part.  That's the part that I want to focus on.  Family does not have to be relation by blood.  Family is, in my opinion, those that you keep in your heart (near or far) that you can call your people.  They are those that will pick up where you left off, laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, and answer the phone in the middle of the night for you. Period.  I love my family.  I hope that I show them enough.  Since being married, I've gained so much more family, both by affinity and consumption!  Cheers!

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...