Excuse Me, May I Just Ask You Why??

(Quick aside:  Yes, I did say that I moved, but the grass isn't always greener.  So, I'm back here because it's where I feel most comfortable and where I began.  I'm still holding out hope that the NYTimes will find me here someday)

I have never been a religious person.  Oh, my parents took me to church as a child and I went through all the Catholic rights of passage straight into high school.  But, I've never truly fallen for the myth.  I know this statement is going to set off some people, but this isn't about you, it's about me.  I don't care for your responses, ridicules, judgments or preachings.  I don't need your prayers, and quite honestly, I don't need you to read my posts.  I've said it before, this blog is about me.  My personal thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences.  It's a way to get things off my chest, and if one person connects on a positive level, great!

Now, let me explain a little bit about my thoughts.   While I'm certain that I don't believe in "god", I most certainly believe in a much Higher Power than myself.  I label this power my Universe because it just seems so expansive and whole.  I choose not to personify my higher power, but rather believe that it is just there.  It's funny because while I don't pray to one deity, I do affirm to my Universe.  I do this because I truly believe in the Power of Positivity (what you put out is what you get in return, for those that don't know).  I capitalize this because, to me, it's not just a statement, it's a real thing.   A powerful thing.   We can't see it per se, but we know it's there.  We know that we are all made up of matter.  We know that there are things that attract and things that oppose each other.  This is not myth, just scientific fact.  My mind works so much better on the things that I can justify in my head.

I've always been a science minded person.  I want to know "why".  I want to know "how".  Everything I've ever believed in had to be based on proof or fact.  I questioned the childhood tales at a very young age.  In a prior post, I talked about how my grandmother told me about Santa Clause, and how it just made sense to me.  Even though he wasn't a real man, I still believed in the spirit of the being.  The purpose.  The intent.  That is exactly how I am with my faith beliefs.  I don't believe in the man, himself.  I do, however, believe in the purpose.  I believe that man is here to subscribe to something much higher.  It's what makes us want to be better people.  I don't subscribe to being told what to do, say, and believe.  I don't believe that there is just one story.  I firmly believe that within each culture, family and person, they build upon their faith based on their own personal experiences.  If that means they base it on a myth handed down through time, who the hell am I to judge that?  After all, it's about what makes you, as a person, feel whole inside.  It gives a tangible to look to and cling to during times of crisis and need.  It shouldn't matter what your beliefs are based on, as long as you have beliefs.

It took me a very long time to admit these things to myself.  Growing up in the Catholic community ingrains a certain set of morals in you.  Some of those morals I am grateful for.  Some, I can do without.  Generally speaking, though, I just don't fall for the bullshit.  No offense intended for those of you who do.  That is your right, and I totally respect it.  It's just not right for me. I feel that I am better equipped to help a person whether physically, or through compassion, with the belief system that I have set up for myself.  It gives me strength.  It motivates me.  It gives me something to cling to.  Isn't that the point?

Lately, I have been learning of tragedies and challenges that some of those who I truly care about are facing.  I can not relate to the pain and suffering that some are feeling, but I have pain in my heart in the form of compassion for each of them.  I have been questioning this, hard.  I understand that it is healthy and normal to have compassion for people and their circumstances.  I just question why, for some of them, my heart hurts so much that I feel totally helpless to them.  Their stories play over and over in my mind, and I try to figure out some way that I can be effective in easing their pain or struggles.  I don't know if this comes from my caregiver personality, my OCD personality that wants to make everything right with everyone, or truly just from my heart because I have some weird disease that makes me want to help those I love.  The one thing that plays repeatedly in my head is, if I were given the opportunity to speak to The God/The Higher Power/The Universe, I would simply say, "excuse me, may I just ask you why"?

I don't know what purpose we have here on this earth.  We may be here on this planet as a data collection mission, where we use the data we learned here when we, in the form of our souls/spirits/consciousness, go on to the next planet.  I just don't know.  Some religions strive to find our inner purpose.  I think it's a waste of time.  I don't think we're actually supposed to know what purpose each of us serves.  We just need to collect our experiences and knowledge to, hopefully, bring to that better place we supposedly go to when we leave here.  I don't question the why of the big picture, but I sure as hell question the why of certain experiences.  For my friends, none of the possible answers make any sense.  Nothing justifies their pain.  Nothing.

While I may not believe in "The One", I certainly do believe in Angels.  I believe they are all around

us.  They steer us in the direction of information we need to obtain.  I believe they communicate through coincidences and signs, and slight little nuances.  Again, not to make our purpose clear, but maybe to help us be better prepared for later.  This comforts me.  I love the idea of knowing that those I've lost are still close by looking out for me.  Whenever my time finally comes, I know they will be there, where ever there is, to help me make that transition.  I look forward to that time when my purpose becomes clear.  Until then, I suppose I'm left with continually trying to be a better friend and loved one to those who may need me.  Who knows, maybe I'm supposed to do something more to help people in general.  I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'll keep looking for those signs from my Angels.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...