I'm on a roll with consistency lately. What's even more shocking is that for the first time in a very long time, my mind is actually clearer. Not clear, mind you, but clearER. For me, that's a huge deal. It means I've regained the ability to complete a thought. Eventually, as I journey down this road to balance, I will be able to complete multiple thoughts! Whooohooo! But until that day, I will rejoice in the small triumphs.
I've done a lot of soul searching since arriving on this new island paradise. I didn't like the person that I had become under stress. I didn't like the body I was inhabiting due to that stress either. More importantly, I didn't like what my mind was doing, which was basically swirling endlessly. Life was passing me by, and I was missing it. I was focusing on the negatives and toxicity in my life, rather than showing gratitude for my life. I've since put the wheels on and evaluated a bunch of things, some from my past (and how they effect me now) and some from my current situation. I've already talked about how I made changes to the obligations that I have and how those changes have made a world of difference. My perceptions toward the people and circumstances that I'm in is dramatically better and I've learned to just let things roll off the old shoulders.
I've also let go and forgiven. We've all been wronged and/or hurt in our lives. That's a given, especially at my age. Have you forgiven those who wronged you? All of them? I hadn't. I let those people fester deeply in my heart. Oh, I never thought about them, nor did I think about the particular situation that put them in the fester spot, but I knew it was there. It affected my ability to form relationships with new people, especially women. Most of you know, I'm not a big fan of large groups of estrogen. Partly for obvious reasons, partly because of my history. I had an "ah-ha" moment not too long ago and it really slapped me in the face. I realized that I was letting a situation in my past, and people from that situation, determine my life today. I shielded myself from the potential for harm. I built the proverbial wall around myself when it came to new people. I've done this with every person since that bad time in my life. The ah-ha moment was when I realized that I no longer hurt from the situation or the people (some of which are blood relation). So, I gathered up my big girl panties and I sent love and light to each of those ladies that broke my heart so long ago. I wished them nothing but happiness, and the scar immediately vanished. Since then, I have managed to come out of my shell with folks here. I've engaged more, and I've even sought out meeting people. It's all good when you forgive. As I finish this thought, though, I want you to know that while I have forgiven those and removed the hurt, I have not (nor will I ever) forget. It's what has made me stronger.
With all of this self-enlightenment, I pulled out some old journals. I flipped through one of them and something caught my attention. It was a few pages of lists. I went to the beginning and read that journal and what I read astounded me. They were my words, but for the life of me I didn't recognize them. They were from many years ago, well before I had reached my balance the first time and way before I met my husband. Without going into detail, I will tell you that it was a vision list, a wish list if you will. I've done vision boards in the past and love to do them still. This was a list of things that I was seeking in my life, no holds barred. To my utter amazement, I had received from my Universe just about every stinking thing on that list!!! Holy crap! That stuff about positive attraction and asking and receiving is spot on. I guess I never actually assessed my life enough over the years to realize that I actually did have my wishes come true. Looking back, I can't tell you the length of time for all of these things to come from my Universe, but I can tell you now, that they came. So, I will ask again.
I'm working on a vision board now. What the hell could I possibly ask for when I have such a wonderful life? I don't know that yet, that's why I'm working on it. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever actually how it appears either. This vision board, and subsequent new list, is forcing me to really take a deep look at my life. It's forcing me to recognize my blessings. When you count your blessings, you show gratitude. When you show gratitude, more blessings come to you. I love the idea of taking a step back and looking at the fortunes that I have. It will allow me to focus on areas of my self and my life that can use improvement. I've got the self part going pretty well now. I've gotten the exercise going well, the healthy eating going well, the positive thoughts going well. Now, I need to focus on life as a whole. Maybe it's time to get a job. Maybe it's time to start a new career. Maybe it's time to put my energies into really giving back in a big way. I don't know the outcomes to these thoughts just yet, but that's the fun part...figuring it all out. Make your own vision board and wish list. Really take a look at what you have and see what you're missing. Write it down and tuck it away for sometime later in the future when you need a slap in the noggin. Go ahead, I dare ya!
Life's a beach, and then you live on one...
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