Wow! A lifetime has passed since my last post. When last my brain allowed me to formulate complete sentences, it was winter in New England and I was gearing up for a very big solo move. That move has happened and life, as I know it, is starting to settle into itself. That's what leads me to this post. Life as I know it. Sheesh, I don't even recognize my life anymore. It's changed so much. I've changed so much. I went from a seemingly perfect little life in my island Paradise, to a less than perfect life on another island paradise. Oh lordy, stop your bitching. I'm not complaining, per se, just observing. It's true though, I'm in the "bizarro world" of what I call perfect.
To bring you up to speed, my husband's boss (Big Navy) decided that it was time to take our content happy lives and turn them upside down - like Big Navy does when folks are happy. So, they decided that it was in our best interest to take us from Hawaii and plop us in Kittery, Maine, in JANUARY! Oh but don't worry, it was for only ten months and then the bigger whammy hit. We moved back to Connecticut for six months, the following winter! As if that weren't enough shock to our systems, they then relocated us to Guam. Yes, Guam. So here I am, on another beautiful island in the Pacific.
Not too shabby, you say. Yes, I agree. It's a good gig. My inner hula girl is in heaven once again
being back in island mode. For those that truly know me, you also know that the secret introvert in me is in overdrive. I force myself out of the box everyday, but I do it, with a smile. I'm slowly meeting folks and forming a decent circle of ladies to occasionally get me out of the house. Making friends in a new place can be an entirely separate post and those in the mil-world know exactly what I'm talking about. Many a milspouse has written about it. It's a horrific experience for anyone. Suffice it to say, there's good folk here though. What's my problem you ask? Shit homey, that's all you had to ask! Here's my problem. With this new world, new home, new group of friends, new title, new responsibilities and new outlook, comes a loss of my inner self...again.
We all are constantly changing. That's just life. Most of us don't even notice it. It's mostly a subtle thing. But sometimes, when major life changes happen, we have a major paradigm shift in our inner person. We lose track of who we are based on where we are at that point in our lives. The bigger the external changes around us, the bigger the internal shifts as well. It's adaptation at its finest. It's neither a good nor a bad thing. It just is. What defines the good or bad is how we react to the change. Well, you all know how poorly I handle change. Can you imagine the inner dragons waging war with this new life I've jumped into???? Hoooooollllllyyyyy!
In my never ending search for enlightenment (my own kind, not the Buddha kind), I've taken a detour off the beaten path. Now, I'm trying to find my way back. Some of the circumstances in my life right now have me questioning my sense of good. I'm learning every day that I just can not please everyone...or anyone as it seems sometimes. I'm not perfect by any means and when I try to be the person someone wants me to be, someone else gets offended. Lordy, it's a big ol' tug of war at times. In the beginning, I let it bother me a lot. I was constantly downing myself for disappointing those around me. Then I was downing myself for not being a good person to everyone. Then I was downing myself for not being able to get right what, it appears, so many in my shoes have gotten right before me. Then my light bulb went off. I stopped caring what the others thought of me. I truly do my best each and every day. I live with only the best of intentions for everyone in my life, whether they are there by default or intentional. I now know that I can not please everyone. I will never get it right in the eyes of some, and I can not beat myself up for trying so hard and still failing. I've decided to just be. I've pulled the line I've used a thousand times back into my daily intentions, "what others think of me is none of my business". I do the best I can and treat people with the best of intentions, everything else is up to them.
That was/is the easy part of this journey. The hard part is the part I'm still trying to figure out. What is my purpose here? What am I supposed to be doing with myself to make a positive impact on the world? What can I be doing to make me a better me? Where do I begin? Well, damned if I know! I've started volunteering again. I've also looked into spiritual ideas and have begun reading and studying the Lotus Sutra. It's a Buddhist philosophy on enlightenment which engages meditative mantras into one's daily life. I haven't gotten so far as the mantras yet, but once I get through my first reading of the book, I'll have a better grasp on it. I really, really, really need to get back to my meditation practice. I'd love nothing more than to facilitate a group here since there is no real group that I can find. I'd also love to get back into yoga. I keep saying that I am, but my mind and my body are not in sync with each other right now. I'm working on my intentions and motivation big time. I NEED acupuncture! If only my crystally guru girl from CT were here with me now!! I do have a lead on a new guru here and will give him a call this week. In the mean time, I've discovered sauna wraps. I know, I know, but man are they wonderful. Basically, you get all wrapped up in sheets, towels and plastic wrap and then a sauna blanket is placed on top of you (its under you too). You just sit there, inside of the heat burrito, sweating like a pig for fifty minutes. I take the time to turn my brain off, calm my thoughts and sometimes, sleep. It's truly detoxifying both for the mind and body, and will have to suffice until I can get into an acupuncturist that I like.
Yet again I've written a mostly rhetorical bunch of thoughts. I'm hoping that this opens the door for my brain to allow me to regularly post again. I miss it so much. I miss having the calmness of mind to be able to formulate the paragraphs...shit, just the thoughts alone! I'm getting there slowly people. It's been one hell of a year and a half. Rome wasn't built in a day. I can't expect my mind to be centered over night. The changes should be done for now, so I should be able to gain more focus. With that focus, I hope to find me again.
Life's a beach, and then you live on one...
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