I've recently signed up for a motivational program. It's one of those hokey programs where you sign in to webinars, and get all sorts of motivational tools to achieve your highest self. I like these programs sometimes because they pose questions that really make you look deep inside of yourself. When I'm in that ambiguous state in life, these usually help to push me back over the threshold of balance.
One of the assignments for the program is to figure out what my grand quest is. Not my purpose, per se, but the one thing that I am aiming to achieve in life. For some that may be a spiritual thing, for others, an actual place, and for others still, a physical relationship(s). For me, I think it's an emotional thing. I've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days and here's what I have come up with: my grand quest is to be in a constant state of happiness, surrounded by positive people and doing all of the things that perpetuate that balanced state of being. The part about being surrounded by positive people is the key. You see, some years ago, I had reached this place of happiness. There really was nothing significant in my life that was out of place. My job was great, my finances were great, my home was great, my physical and mental state were great, and every person in my life was there for a reason and they were all happy, positive people. I lived in a constant state of symbiosis with my surroundings. What I put out there, is exactly what I was getting back...and I loved every minute of it.
I took careful steps back then to get to that place of euphoria. It wasn't overnight, and it most certainly wasn't easy. I took baby steps at first, reading books that spoke to me (and still do). I journaled. I exercised and watched what I ate. I removed negative people from my life simply by saying "no". I had no guilt as I didn't remove them with hate or nastiness, but with love and light. The most important thing I did then, though, was positive affirmations. Every day. Many times per day. I told myself why I loved me. I became my own best friend. Prior to that time, I hated to be alone. I hated to not be surrounded by those I thought were my friends. I hated silence and boredom. I hated not being able to have constant conversations. I hated not being busy all the time. Boy, was I in a state of chaos.
I've put myself in that state of chaos again. I have chosen to not listen to my inner self, and ignore
the signs that I was spinning out of control. You see, I was given a job to do. A job I hold very dear and take very seriously. I signed up for it. I knew what I was getting into, and I figured I was centered enough to handle it. It's a job that involves other people. Much like that of a parent, this job was given to me with the express instruction to make sure those I'd be looking after were fully taken care of. Easy peasy. I'm a caregiver, there's nothing I do better. Should be a piece of cake, right? Wrong!! Like every other care giving job that I have engaged in, I dove in head first. I surrounded myself with those I was responsible for. I engaged, I immersed, I shared, I trusted, I became blinded. Somewhere along the way, I lost control. I worked so hard to get into the good graces of those folks, to provide the best care, to be trusted and to some extent depended upon, that I failed to stick to the rules of the job. I didn't separate myself and keep and eye on the goal. What eventually happened is that I lost the trust of the group. I couldn't figure out how to make everyone happy, or to do everything for every one. I failed to teach, mentor and advise. Now that I've regained some level of clear headedness, and the biggest part of the job is complete, I can now remove myself from the group as a whole. I can actually be the mentor, teacher and advisor that is needed, when needed. I have separated myself from the group as a whole and while they are forced to learn on their own, I will always be there in the wings, waiting to help if needed. It's what they need. It's what I need.
This has been my biggest hurdle for me over the last year. Getting back to the topic at hand, some of the questions posed by this program have me really thinking about what I've done right and what I could have done better with regard to not only that job I have, but also my life in general. I've regained the ability to stop and reevaluate myself. To say "no" when need be and not feel bad about it. I again have the ability to be that positive selfish that everyone should be. Two of the questions that really got me thinking were, what do you stay up late for, and what do you wake up early for? After giving these some serious though, I decided to just stop thinking about it. That's when the answer hit me. The people in my life are what make me stay up late and wake up early! So why am I keeping those awesome people at arms length still? Oh, I'm not talking about the job related folks, I'm talking about the new people that have come into my life, as well as those gems that are always constant. The ones that make me laugh. The ones that radiate goodness. Those are the people that bring positivity to my life. The third question is, what makes you lose track of time? Same answer. When you surround yourself with positive people, you enjoy your life, whether physically with them or not, to the point of losing track of time. When you are happy doing what you do, time is insignificant. When I actually stop and think about it all, just about everyone currently in my life, be them near or far, are all positive people. They radiate goodness, happiness, love and light. They were all brought into my world for a reason. They have taught me that sometimes that which makes you most happy is not to be sought, but simply recognized for having been there all along.
If I show my gratitude for this one simple revelation, the rest should all start to come easier to me. Oh, I'm not balanced by any stretch of the imagination. I do have a good root system though. Sturdy roots help the plant to keep growing. I'm finally in a place I can call home as well, which gives my root chakra some stability, for the time being. It's time for me to water, nurture and prune my own plant! It's time for me to bloom! It won't happen overnight, and will require diligent care, but I can now see the light at the end of my happiness tunnel. I will continue to surround myself with positive people. Those I can just be me with. Those I can share the good, bad and ugly with. Those that can trust and be trusted to be called "friend". It's the first step on this journey, but it's a big one.
Life's a beach, and then you live on one...
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