Excuse Me, May I Just Ask You Why??

(Quick aside:  Yes, I did say that I moved, but the grass isn't always greener.  So, I'm back here because it's where I feel most comfortable and where I began.  I'm still holding out hope that the NYTimes will find me here someday)

I have never been a religious person.  Oh, my parents took me to church as a child and I went through all the Catholic rights of passage straight into high school.  But, I've never truly fallen for the myth.  I know this statement is going to set off some people, but this isn't about you, it's about me.  I don't care for your responses, ridicules, judgments or preachings.  I don't need your prayers, and quite honestly, I don't need you to read my posts.  I've said it before, this blog is about me.  My personal thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences.  It's a way to get things off my chest, and if one person connects on a positive level, great!

Now, let me explain a little bit about my thoughts.   While I'm certain that I don't believe in "god", I most certainly believe in a much Higher Power than myself.  I label this power my Universe because it just seems so expansive and whole.  I choose not to personify my higher power, but rather believe that it is just there.  It's funny because while I don't pray to one deity, I do affirm to my Universe.  I do this because I truly believe in the Power of Positivity (what you put out is what you get in return, for those that don't know).  I capitalize this because, to me, it's not just a statement, it's a real thing.   A powerful thing.   We can't see it per se, but we know it's there.  We know that we are all made up of matter.  We know that there are things that attract and things that oppose each other.  This is not myth, just scientific fact.  My mind works so much better on the things that I can justify in my head.

I've always been a science minded person.  I want to know "why".  I want to know "how".  Everything I've ever believed in had to be based on proof or fact.  I questioned the childhood tales at a very young age.  In a prior post, I talked about how my grandmother told me about Santa Clause, and how it just made sense to me.  Even though he wasn't a real man, I still believed in the spirit of the being.  The purpose.  The intent.  That is exactly how I am with my faith beliefs.  I don't believe in the man, himself.  I do, however, believe in the purpose.  I believe that man is here to subscribe to something much higher.  It's what makes us want to be better people.  I don't subscribe to being told what to do, say, and believe.  I don't believe that there is just one story.  I firmly believe that within each culture, family and person, they build upon their faith based on their own personal experiences.  If that means they base it on a myth handed down through time, who the hell am I to judge that?  After all, it's about what makes you, as a person, feel whole inside.  It gives a tangible to look to and cling to during times of crisis and need.  It shouldn't matter what your beliefs are based on, as long as you have beliefs.

It took me a very long time to admit these things to myself.  Growing up in the Catholic community ingrains a certain set of morals in you.  Some of those morals I am grateful for.  Some, I can do without.  Generally speaking, though, I just don't fall for the bullshit.  No offense intended for those of you who do.  That is your right, and I totally respect it.  It's just not right for me. I feel that I am better equipped to help a person whether physically, or through compassion, with the belief system that I have set up for myself.  It gives me strength.  It motivates me.  It gives me something to cling to.  Isn't that the point?

Lately, I have been learning of tragedies and challenges that some of those who I truly care about are facing.  I can not relate to the pain and suffering that some are feeling, but I have pain in my heart in the form of compassion for each of them.  I have been questioning this, hard.  I understand that it is healthy and normal to have compassion for people and their circumstances.  I just question why, for some of them, my heart hurts so much that I feel totally helpless to them.  Their stories play over and over in my mind, and I try to figure out some way that I can be effective in easing their pain or struggles.  I don't know if this comes from my caregiver personality, my OCD personality that wants to make everything right with everyone, or truly just from my heart because I have some weird disease that makes me want to help those I love.  The one thing that plays repeatedly in my head is, if I were given the opportunity to speak to The God/The Higher Power/The Universe, I would simply say, "excuse me, may I just ask you why"?

I don't know what purpose we have here on this earth.  We may be here on this planet as a data collection mission, where we use the data we learned here when we, in the form of our souls/spirits/consciousness, go on to the next planet.  I just don't know.  Some religions strive to find our inner purpose.  I think it's a waste of time.  I don't think we're actually supposed to know what purpose each of us serves.  We just need to collect our experiences and knowledge to, hopefully, bring to that better place we supposedly go to when we leave here.  I don't question the why of the big picture, but I sure as hell question the why of certain experiences.  For my friends, none of the possible answers make any sense.  Nothing justifies their pain.  Nothing.

While I may not believe in "The One", I certainly do believe in Angels.  I believe they are all around

us.  They steer us in the direction of information we need to obtain.  I believe they communicate through coincidences and signs, and slight little nuances.  Again, not to make our purpose clear, but maybe to help us be better prepared for later.  This comforts me.  I love the idea of knowing that those I've lost are still close by looking out for me.  Whenever my time finally comes, I know they will be there, where ever there is, to help me make that transition.  I look forward to that time when my purpose becomes clear.  Until then, I suppose I'm left with continually trying to be a better friend and loved one to those who may need me.  Who knows, maybe I'm supposed to do something more to help people in general.  I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'll keep looking for those signs from my Angels.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

 

Vision...What You Make Happen

I'm on a roll with consistency lately.  What's even more shocking is that for the first time in a very long time, my mind is actually clearer.  Not clear, mind you, but clearER.  For me, that's a huge deal. It means I've regained the ability to complete a thought.  Eventually, as I journey down this road to balance, I will be able to complete multiple thoughts!  Whooohooo!  But until that day, I will rejoice in the small triumphs.

I've done a lot of soul searching since arriving on this new island paradise.  I didn't like the person that I had become under stress.  I didn't like the body I was inhabiting due to that stress either.  More importantly, I didn't like what my mind was doing, which was basically swirling endlessly.  Life was passing me by, and I was missing it.  I was focusing on the negatives and toxicity in my life, rather than showing gratitude for my life.  I've since put the wheels on and evaluated a bunch of things, some from my past (and how they effect me now) and some from my current situation.  I've already talked about how I made changes to the obligations that I have and how those changes have made a world of difference.  My perceptions toward the people and circumstances that I'm in is dramatically better and I've learned to just let things roll off the old shoulders.

I've also let go and forgiven.  We've all been wronged and/or hurt in our lives.  That's a given, especially at my age.  Have you forgiven those who wronged you?  All of them?  I hadn't.  I let those people fester deeply in my heart.  Oh, I never thought about them, nor did I think about the particular situation that put them in the fester spot, but I knew it was there.  It affected my ability to form relationships with new people, especially women.  Most of you know, I'm not a big fan of large groups of estrogen.  Partly for obvious reasons, partly because of my history.  I had an "ah-ha" moment not too long ago and it really slapped me in the face.  I realized that I was letting a situation in my past, and people from that situation, determine my life today.  I shielded myself from the potential for harm.  I built the proverbial wall around myself when it came to new people.  I've done this with every person since that bad time in my life.  The ah-ha moment was when I realized that I no longer hurt from the situation or the people (some of which are blood relation).  So, I gathered up my big girl panties and I sent love and light to each of those ladies that broke my heart so long ago.  I wished them nothing but happiness, and the scar immediately vanished.  Since then, I have managed to come out of my shell with folks here.  I've engaged more, and I've even sought out meeting people.  It's all good when you forgive.  As I finish this thought, though, I want you to know that while I have forgiven those and removed the hurt, I have not (nor will I ever) forget.  It's what has made me stronger.

With all of this self-enlightenment, I pulled out some old journals.  I flipped through one of them and something caught my attention.  It was a few pages of lists.  I went to the beginning and read that journal and what I read astounded me.  They were my words, but for the life of me I didn't recognize them.  They were from many years ago, well before I had reached my balance the first time and way before I met my husband.  Without going into detail, I will tell you that it was a vision list, a wish list if you will.  I've done vision boards in the past and love to do them still.  This was a list of things that I was seeking in my life, no holds barred.  To my utter amazement, I had received from my Universe just about every stinking thing on that list!!!  Holy crap!  That stuff about positive attraction and asking and receiving is spot on.  I guess I never actually assessed my life enough over the years to realize that I actually did have my wishes come true.  Looking back, I can't tell you the length of time for all of these things to come from my Universe, but I can tell you now, that they came.  So, I will ask again.

I'm working on a vision board now.  What the hell could I possibly ask for when I have such a wonderful life?  I don't know that yet, that's why I'm working on it.  Nothing is ever perfect.  Nothing is ever actually how it appears either.  This vision board, and subsequent new list, is forcing me to really take a deep look at my life.  It's forcing me to recognize my blessings.  When you count your blessings, you show gratitude.  When you show gratitude, more blessings come to you.  I love the idea of taking a step back and looking at the fortunes that I have.  It will allow me to focus on areas of my self and my life that can use improvement.  I've got the self part going pretty well now.  I've gotten the exercise going well, the healthy eating going well, the positive thoughts going well.  Now, I need to focus on life as a whole.  Maybe it's time to get a job.  Maybe it's time to start a new career.  Maybe it's time to put my energies into really giving back in a big way.  I don't know the outcomes to these thoughts just yet, but that's the fun part...figuring it all out.  Make your own vision board and wish list.  Really take a look at what you have and see what you're missing.  Write it down and tuck it away for sometime later in the future when you need a slap in the noggin.  Go ahead, I dare ya!

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

Nurture Your Roots...Watch the Flowers Bloom!

I've recently signed up for a motivational program.  It's one of those hokey programs where you sign in to webinars, and get all sorts of motivational tools to achieve your highest self.  I like these programs sometimes because they pose questions that really make you look deep inside of yourself.  When I'm in that ambiguous state in life, these usually help to push me back over the threshold of balance.

One of the assignments for the program is to figure out what my grand quest is.  Not my purpose, per se, but the one thing that I am aiming to achieve in life.  For some that may be a spiritual thing, for others, an actual place, and for others still, a physical relationship(s).  For me, I think it's an emotional  thing.  I've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days and here's what I have come up with:  my grand quest is to be in a constant state of happiness, surrounded by positive people and doing all of the things that perpetuate that balanced state of being.  The part about being surrounded by positive people is the key.  You see, some years ago, I had reached this place of happiness.  There really was nothing significant in my life that was out of place.  My job was great, my finances were great, my home was great, my physical and mental state were great, and every person in my life was there for a reason and they were all happy, positive people.  I lived in a constant state of symbiosis with my surroundings.  What I put out there, is exactly what I was getting back...and I loved every minute of it.

I took careful steps back then to get to that place of euphoria.  It wasn't overnight, and it most certainly wasn't easy.  I took baby steps at first, reading books that spoke to me (and still do).  I journaled.  I exercised and watched what I ate.  I removed negative people from my life simply by saying "no".  I had no guilt as I didn't remove them with hate or nastiness, but with love and light.  The most important thing I did then, though, was positive affirmations.  Every day.  Many times per day.  I told myself why I loved me.  I became my own best friend.  Prior to that time, I hated to be alone.  I hated to not be surrounded by those I thought were my friends.  I hated silence and boredom.  I hated not being able to have constant conversations.  I hated not being busy all the time.  Boy, was I in a state of chaos.

I've put myself in that state of chaos again.  I have chosen to not listen to my inner self, and ignore

the signs that I was spinning out of control.  You see, I was given a job to do.  A job I hold very dear and take very seriously.  I signed up for it.  I knew what I was getting into, and I figured I was centered enough to handle it.  It's a job that involves other people.  Much like that of a parent, this job was given to me with the express instruction to make sure those I'd be looking after were fully taken care of.  Easy peasy.  I'm a caregiver, there's nothing I do better.  Should be a piece of cake, right?  Wrong!!  Like every other care giving job that I have engaged in, I dove in head first.  I surrounded myself with those I was responsible for.  I engaged, I immersed, I shared, I trusted, I became blinded. Somewhere along the way, I lost control.  I worked so hard to get into the good graces of those folks, to provide the best care, to be trusted and to some extent depended upon, that I failed to stick to the rules of the job.  I didn't separate myself and keep and eye on the goal.  What eventually happened is that I lost the trust of the group.  I couldn't figure out how to make everyone happy, or to do everything for every one.  I failed to teach, mentor and advise. Now that I've regained some level of clear headedness, and the biggest part of the job is complete, I can now remove myself from the group as a whole.  I can actually be the mentor, teacher and advisor that is needed, when needed.  I have separated myself from the group as a whole and while they are forced to learn on their own, I will always be there in the wings, waiting to help if needed.  It's what they need.  It's what I need.

This has been my biggest hurdle for me over the last year.  Getting back to the topic at hand, some of the questions posed by this program have me really thinking about what I've done right and what I could have done better with regard to not only that job I have, but also my life in general.  I've regained the ability to stop and reevaluate myself.  To say "no" when need be and not feel bad about it.  I again have the ability to be that positive selfish that everyone should be.  Two of the questions that really got me thinking were, what do you stay up late for, and what do you wake up early for?  After giving these some serious though, I decided to just stop thinking about it.  That's when the answer hit me.  The people in my life are what make me stay up late and wake up early!  So why am I keeping those awesome people at arms length still?  Oh, I'm not talking about the job related folks, I'm talking about the new people that have come into my life, as well as those gems that are always constant.  The ones that make me laugh.  The ones that radiate goodness.  Those are the people that bring positivity to my life.  The third question is, what makes you lose track of time?  Same answer.  When you surround yourself with positive people, you enjoy your life, whether physically with them or not, to the point of losing track of time.  When you are happy doing what you do, time is insignificant.  When I actually stop and think about it all, just about everyone currently in my life, be them near or far, are all positive people.  They radiate goodness, happiness, love and light.  They were all brought into my world for a reason.  They have taught me that sometimes that which makes you most happy is not to be sought, but simply recognized for having been there all along.

If I show my gratitude for this one simple revelation, the rest should all start to come easier to me.  Oh, I'm not balanced by any stretch of the imagination.  I do have a good root system though.  Sturdy roots help the plant to keep growing.  I'm finally in a place I can call home as well, which gives my root chakra some stability, for the time being.  It's time for me to water, nurture and prune my own plant!  It's time for me to bloom!  It won't happen overnight, and will require diligent care, but I can now see the light at the end of my happiness tunnel.  I will continue to surround myself with positive people.  Those I can just be me with.  Those I can share the good, bad and ugly with.  Those that can trust and be trusted to be called "friend".  It's the first step on this journey, but it's a big one.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

Journey to Find Me...Again.

Wow!  A lifetime has passed since my last post.  When last my brain allowed me to formulate complete sentences, it was winter in New England and I was gearing up for a very big solo move.  That move has happened and life, as I know it, is starting to settle into itself.  That's what leads me to this post.  Life as I know it.  Sheesh, I don't even recognize my life anymore.  It's changed so much.  I've changed so much.   I went from a seemingly perfect little life in my island Paradise, to a less than perfect life on another island paradise.  Oh lordy, stop your bitching.  I'm not complaining, per se, just observing.  It's true though, I'm in the "bizarro world" of what I call perfect.

To bring you up to speed, my husband's boss (Big Navy) decided that it was time to take our content happy lives and turn them upside down - like Big Navy does when folks are happy.  So, they decided that it was in our best interest to take us from Hawaii and plop us in Kittery, Maine, in JANUARY!  Oh but don't worry, it was for only ten months and then the bigger whammy hit.  We moved back to Connecticut for six months, the following winter!  As if that weren't enough shock to our systems, they then relocated us to Guam.  Yes, Guam.  So here I am, on another beautiful island in the Pacific.

Not too shabby, you say.  Yes, I agree.  It's a good gig.  My inner hula girl is in heaven once again

being back in island mode.  For those that truly know me, you also know that the secret introvert in me is in overdrive.  I force myself out of the box everyday, but I do it, with a smile.  I'm slowly meeting folks and forming a decent circle of ladies to occasionally get me out of the house.  Making friends in a new place can be an entirely separate post and those in the mil-world know exactly what I'm talking about.  Many a milspouse has written about it.  It's a horrific experience for anyone.  Suffice it to say, there's good folk here though.  What's my problem you ask?  Shit homey, that's all you had to ask!  Here's my problem.  With this new world, new home, new group of friends, new title, new responsibilities and new outlook, comes a loss of my inner self...again.

We all are constantly changing.  That's just life.  Most of us don't even notice it.  It's mostly a subtle thing.  But sometimes, when major life changes happen, we have a major paradigm shift in our inner person.  We lose track of who we are based on where we are at that point in our lives.  The bigger the external changes around us, the bigger the internal shifts as well.  It's adaptation at its finest.  It's neither a good nor a bad thing.  It just is.  What defines the good or bad is how we react to the change.  Well, you all know how poorly I handle change.  Can you imagine the inner dragons waging war with this new life I've jumped into????  Hoooooollllllyyyyy!

In my never ending search for enlightenment (my own kind, not the Buddha kind), I've taken a detour off the beaten path.  Now, I'm trying to find my way back.  Some of the circumstances in my life right now have me questioning my sense of good.  I'm learning every day that I just can not please everyone...or anyone as it seems sometimes.  I'm not perfect by any means and when I try to be the person someone wants me to be, someone else gets offended.  Lordy, it's a big ol' tug of war at times. In the beginning, I let it bother me a lot.  I was constantly downing myself for disappointing those around me.  Then I was downing myself for not being a good person to everyone.  Then I was downing myself for not being able to get right what, it appears, so many in my shoes have gotten right before me.  Then my light bulb went off.  I stopped caring what the others thought of me.  I truly do my best each and every day.  I live with only the best of intentions for everyone in my life, whether they are there by default or intentional.  I now know that I can not please everyone.  I will never get it right in the eyes of some, and I can not beat myself up for trying so hard and still failing.  I've decided to just be.  I've pulled the line I've used a thousand times back into my daily intentions, "what others think of me is none of my business".  I do the best I can and treat people with the best of intentions, everything else is up to them.

That was/is the easy part of this journey.  The hard part is the part I'm still trying to figure out.  What is my purpose here?  What am I supposed to be doing with myself to make a positive impact on the world?  What can I be doing to make me a better me?  Where do I begin?  Well, damned if I know!  I've started volunteering again.  I've also looked into spiritual ideas and have begun reading and studying the Lotus Sutra.  It's a Buddhist philosophy on enlightenment which engages meditative mantras into one's daily life.  I haven't gotten so far as the mantras yet, but once I get through my first reading of the book, I'll have a better grasp on it.  I really, really, really need to get back to my meditation practice.  I'd love nothing more than to facilitate a group here since there is no real group that I can find.  I'd also love to get back into yoga.  I keep saying that I am, but my mind and my body are not in sync with each other right now.  I'm working on my intentions and motivation big time.  I NEED acupuncture!  If only my crystally guru girl from CT were here with me now!!  I do have a lead on a new guru here and will give him a call this week.  In the mean time, I've discovered sauna wraps.  I know, I know, but man are they wonderful.  Basically, you get all wrapped up in sheets, towels and plastic wrap and then a sauna blanket is placed on top of you (its under you too).  You just sit there, inside of the heat burrito, sweating like a pig for fifty minutes.  I take the time to turn my brain off, calm my thoughts and sometimes, sleep.  It's truly detoxifying both for the mind and body, and will have to suffice until I can get into an acupuncturist that I like.

Yet again I've written a mostly rhetorical bunch of thoughts.  I'm hoping that this opens the door for my brain to allow me to regularly post again.  I miss it so much.  I miss having the calmness of mind to be able to formulate the paragraphs...shit, just the thoughts alone!  I'm getting there slowly people.  It's been one hell of a year and a half.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I can't expect my mind to be centered over night.  The changes should be done for now, so I should be able to gain more focus.  With that focus, I hope to find me again.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

Change, Change, Change...Here We Go

**This post was originally written in February and I never got around to actually posting it.  Re-reading it has helped to jump start the writers block that I've had these last few months.  Stay tuned for more, regular posts to come.  I promise.  I need it more than you do!**


Wow, what a winter so far.  This new year is coming along nicely, which is good since the old year ended on a low.  The weather outside is truly frightful lately, it is February in the frozen tundra afterall, and the days are so long.  No kidding, I feel like I'm about 95 years old sometimes when 6:30pm rolls around and I'm ready for bed.  Oy!  New Englanders know all to well what I'm talking about.  True to form in my life, and just about everyone else on the planet, there are lots of changes happening.  Not just the weather or the 'seasons', if there really are still seasons here, but big, life altering, so much fun, can't wait to happen kind of changes.

It's not secret that I'm a milspouse.  With that job, comes lots of new things.  Some of them exciting and fun, some just a royal pain in the you-know-what.  I kind of have a mix of both right now.  See, we're moving to another paradise island!  For those that know or follow me, you know that this is where I thrive the most.  I just can not wait.  Hawaii is home, and always will be, but where I'm going next is new, exciting and a little frightening.  There's a lot that goes into moving half way around the world.  Some of it dictated to us, some we have to figure out on our own.  I'm drowning in lists, lists and more lists.  Just when I think one list is done, another seems to pop up out of nowhere!  My serious OCD is very helpful at times like these...silver lining.  I swear I should write a book on how to travel...anywhere!  My most favorite part would be the packing, of course!  You know I'm going to maximize every square inch of my suitcase.  Yes, I said suitcase.  I can't remember the last time I used one of those, but I'm allotted two heavy ones.  I'll only use one, and will likely not go over weight.  I have a carry-on or two also packed, but that is for all my important, hand-carry stuff.  Since I'm going from freezing to tropical just like that, I have to plan my "plane gear" wisely too.

What's all this change, planning and OCDing doing to my psyche???  Oh.my.word!  I swear to you, my guts are mush, my sleep in null and my ability to concentrate on any one thing is void (hence, the many lists).  People don't deal well with change on a whole.  I don't deal well with this, life altering type of change at all.  I'm doing everything in my power to keep the self-induced stress at a minimum.  I started by removing all of the toxicity in my life.  Whether temporarily or permanent, I just can not deal with people who thrive off of, or surround themselves with drama.  No room at the inn!  I made it through the holidays pretty well and have managed to get myself through the first month or so of this new year without going too looney on anyone.  Major accomplishment for me.  I know it is directly related to my non-toxic environment.  I've also ramped up my use of the word "no".  For those that haven't yet figured out this little word, I suggest you do so right away.  It's life altering.  Even for the most die hard Catholic, your guilt will be gone after the third time you use it.  Give it a shot.  I guarantee your life will change for the better.

I've also started confronting my fears.  Head on.  Full gear.  No hold backs.  As you can imagine, I let everything in my life scare me.  I haven't yet figured out why that is other than to make the excuse that it's just due to change.  Maybe someday I'll get to the root of that, but for now there's just no time.  Suffice it to say, even fun and exciting things scare me to death.  This craziness has a domino effect in that the bigger the thing that scares me, the more the little things start to factor in as well.  Seriously, I know it's nuts.  Some may say that I'm this outgoing, gregarious person, and as an Aquarian I suppose that it's true to some extent, but not really.  I'm one of the shyest people you will meet.  I hate walking into crowded rooms, whether I know people or not.  I hate going to places I've never been (think restaurants) alone.  I hate having to meet new people, especially large groups of them.  Sounds silly, believe me, I know.  Imagine what the thought of getting on a plane heading to a country that is sort of part of the US, but sort of not is doing to my head!  This irrational fear is what I truly have to focus on and get over.  It's what drives all other stressors in my life.  The first step in overcoming something is acknowledging it's existence to begin with...progress!

As you can tell, there really is no purpose for this post (and yes, I know it's been a while since my last one).  I guess my point would be that if there are others going through some pretty big life changing events, it's okay to be wigged out, scared, anxious and excited...as long as you are aware of it all and not living in a state of oblivious crazy.  Get it together, figure out what is the major factor in making you a nutcase, and get a hold on it.  Change is going to happen whether you like it or not.  Nothing in life is forever, that's a fact, so get ahold of your self and start accepting this.  You don't have to like it, but you also can not stop it.  Everyone has their niche when it comes to what works for them.  For me, lists and organization.  It calms me.  Thankfully, I will have LOTS of organization in my future with unpacking an entire household by myself, but I digress.  Get your head out of  your butt, stop making the people in your world nuts, and figure out what will work for you to get through the event(s).  It is possible.  If you are one of those people who is teetering on the edge of big change...JUMP!  Life can be so much better with a change of scenery!

Life's a beach and then you live on one...again.

The Four Agreements...Check It Out

It's been some time between posts.  This has been one hell of a year for me.  I'm anxious to see what the new year has in store.  It can only be good.  Now, 2014 wasn't all bad, by any means, but suffice it to say that it was such that I'm just going to move on and not reflect/recall any of it.  With this likely being my last post of this year, I'm going to touch on something that will set my intention for 2015.  At some point, I plan to check in with myself and see if my thoughts on this alter at all, which I do expect to happen.  The Four Agreements (by don Miguel Ruiz).  A tiny little book with a huge and powerful impact.  If you haven't yet read it, please do so.  There are so many crystally books that have helped shape my life, but this one is definitely one of the top 3.

As a former Catholic, I still have some deep rooted ties to the religion.  For the record, I am currently a spiritual person but agnostic religiously.  It works for me at the current moment and I don't choose to go into further detail on that.  Guilt is a major part of my life that was drilled into me through religion and the effect it had on my family for generations.  With guilt comes the ideal of sin.  Now, if you live a good life, in the moment and with positive intentions, you really don't have much to worry about by way of sin.  However, to err is human and to some, that "err" can fall under the realm of sin.  I don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that I'm going to go to any particular place, good or bad, once I move from this world, but I do try to be conscious of the intent with which I live my life.  What does this have to do with The Four Agreements?  It's the first one!

Be Impeccable with You Word - This is probably the least of the agreements that I need to focus on.  Being impeccable with your word is not necessarily translated to "do what you say you're going to do".  It's much deeper that that, of course.  It's how you speak, think and act.  I, personally, try never to say anything with intent on hurting myself or others.  Sometimes another's perception of what I say may cause negative feelings within them, but that is theirs to own, and is an entirely different blog post.  What it boils down to is, say what you mean and mean what you say.  Speak words that have positive, loving and truthful intentions.  You can't go wrong if you speak with good intent.  Hold true to those words, too.  As I said, there are some that may not agree with you, may be offended by what you've said, and may claim that you meant to cause hurt.  If in your heart of heart, you had good intentions, then merely direct the person to reflect upon what it is inside of them is causing the negative reactions.  You can not control anything or anyone but you.  Whatever lays outside of the circle of your control is just that, outside of your control.  Let it go and keep chugging along.

Don't Take Anything Personally - Oh my!  This is the toughest agreement for me.  While my mind knows that there is very little in this world that is about me, my heart tends to think differently.  There is so much in this world that I take personally.  This is really bad, as it totally reflects the negative aspect of selfishness.  I don't like to think of selfishness as a negative, but it can be if you dive into the definition.  When we take something that someone else does or says in a personal manner, we are really stirring up deep emotions and insecurities within our own hearts.  We act and react to this in varying ways.  Sometimes its just quick and over, other times it can fester and lead to self-doubt and self-loathing.  Both of these feelings are never any good for us.  I've said a hundred times that what we put out there is what we get in return.  It especially holds true with these two emotions.  The more energy we feed to the negativity in our lives, even if self induced, the more we will have it return to us.  This leads to a vicious cycle that's so hard to get out of.

I let this agreement get away from me this year.  Actually, it's been a couple of years since I redirected my thought process on this.  The coming year is going to be all about letting things roll off my shoulders.  Like water on a duck's back.  I envy those people who are so nonchalant about things and really don't react to the negative intentions of others.  After all, when someone says or does something that offends or hurts us, especially if intentional, it's really all just about that deep root inside of them.  There really is nothing negative that comes from others that has anything at all to do with us.  When we get past this way of thinking, life shines!

Don't Make Assumptions -  This is another hard one for me.  I am horrible at communicating.  Oh sure, I talk A LOT, but actually communicating?  Not so much.  This stumps me because I do have the gift to gab.  From the personal standpoint, I know that I don't always communicate clearly.  I really, really try to be aware of this.  But I'm also at a fault for not trying to clarify with someone what they really mean.  A rule of thumb that I am going to start living by is if something said or done by another causes a negative emotion in me, I will immediately try to clarify this directly with the person.  Immediately is the key here.  The longer I let things go, the bigger they get inside of me.  Often, it's just simple miscommunication, usually on my part because I take things personally.  Easy to fix, easy to avoid.

Life and relationships would be so much more peaceful if we all just communicated our intent with each other.  Say what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it.  Don't beat around the bush, just put it out there.  If you focus on no other agreement, focus on this one.  It can dramatically alter your life!

Always Do Your Best - I think that this is my favorite agreement because it truly is all about you.  What it means is that if you are the best person that you can be at any moment, you are living with true intent.  We have ups and downs in life.  We get sick, we feel grief, and we also have joy.  If we consciously wake with the intent to do the best we can that day, we will.  If you think you can do 10 push ups, then do 11.  You will feel better about yourself, remove the self-doubt and never regret what you've done.  Doing your best each and every day sets you up for positive attraction.

Here's the deal folks, we all have days when we want to just sit on the couch and veg.  That's okay.  Really.  But maybe while you're sitting on the couch watching soaps (are there still soaps on TV?), you jot off a quick email to someone you haven't spoken too in a while, or finally pay those bills that you've been putting off, or take time every hour or so to meditate.  Relax, recoup and add a little extra.  At the end of the day you won't regret "wasting the day".  You will have achieved what you were looking for by sitting on that couch anyway, and have something to show for it.

Happiness starts within. If we take these four little suggestions and apply them to our own hearts, we can't go wrong.  We're all in search of happiness.  Truth is, it lies within us at all times.  We just have to take a second to recognize it.  To release it.  If we practice these simple steps in life, our eyes, hearts and worlds will will reach new levels.  Go ahead, give it a try.  Love and light to you all this holiday season.

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...

Silver Linings and Palm Tree Wishes

By now you all know that I am back in the frozen tundra of New England, if even for just a short time longer.  You also know just how much that makes me wonky.  Having grown up in New England, I can say without reservation, that it's not an easy place to live.  The cost of living is high, traffic is a nightmare, tourists suck, and the seasons....well, don't get me started on "seasons".  As I've journeyed more and more into adulthood, I've come to realize that I do not like the season.  Nope, not one bit.  Oh, sure all you NE-enders will say, "oh, it's so beautiful in the fall" and "the snow is really beautiful when it's coming down" and "we do have perfect summers here".  I call bullshit!  I can look at photos of fall, winter and even New England summer til my teeth fall out and there is absolutely nothing that makes me want to be back experiencing it. Not one thing.  I truly believe that I was supposed to be born on an island.  I swear, in another lifetime I was a Polynesian Hula Girl!  I really do believe that.  I love everything about island life.  I love the constant weather and temps (even though many of you know I complain come October that it's freezing).  I'll take island "freezing" over flipping New England freezing any day!  I love the small island feel - never going to get island fever in this girl.  I love the island pace - yes, I do complain when contractors are on island-time, but whatevah!  I even like the island lingo - though, I turn to mush when a Bostonian comes to town!  So what am I leading into with this post?  My silver linings.

Before I get to the silver, let me just say that not much good happens for me in New England.  My nerves get all twisty.  My sleeps disappears.  My stomach turns to mush.  Just bad for me all around.  I'm anxious enough on a good island day, put me in New England and is no wonder I didn't get me a script for Ativan last January.  Hmmmm, maybe I should have thought of that.  Anyway, it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy for all you finger-waggers out there.  It's a fact.  Bad things happen when I come to the east coast.  So, I will do my best to not come back once I leave here for my little island Paradise #2.  Oh, I'll visit from time to time, but no more extended stays here for me.  I fall quickly into that fear of the unknown when I'm here.  I suppose I can analyze that in another post, but for now, lets just say I get all wiggedy here.

During my time here, I have come to find some silver linings, the positives, the good stuff.  I try to look for them in everything.  Sometimes they are blatantly obvious, sometimes, I have to search with everything I've got.  One of the first silver linings, and probably the best one for me, is that I actually search for them in the first place.  Think about it.  I sit here in my gray-day, New England funk, day in and day out, and I actually have the wherewithal to look for something good in my life.  That truly takes a lot for a person like me.  There was a time, when I would just be the Negative Nellie and mope.  Now, I at least snap out of it enough to look for something good.  I also have the added advantage of being 20 minutes from my favorite, crystally guru acupuncturist.  She always puts a calm in my heart and helps me to find my center.  Each. And. Every. Time.  Now that's a silver lining!

The most obvious of all the silver linings is my family and friends.  I love them all to death.  I miss my niece and nephews to the moon and back, but know that even if I did move to the east coast permanently, they are at that place in life where Auntie is in the wayyyy backseat to sports, friends, school and all things social.  I'm okay with that because it means they are growing up.  One day in the future I'll get that phone call asking if they can come spend the summer with me between semesters in college.  That day, I just can NOT wait for!  My friends and I get that time to just grab a glass of wine or coffee, and if I'm really lucky, a 3 1/2 hour lunch!

Social media is great for keeping in touch, but there really is something to be said for grabbing lunch with an old friend and just talking directly to one another.  I can ask questions and get immediate responses.  I can also gauge, first-hand, if things are really as they appear on FaceBook or Twitter.  I know that they are okay, and that settles my heart.  If they happen to be in a bad time of their lives, I have the privilege of actually being right there in front of them, to lend that shoulder, hug or shopping trip!  Skype and FaceTime can't do that.

I love that there are really totally different worlds from one place to the next.  East coast living is so open and spread out.  There's just stuff everywhere.  Not so on the islands.  It's not deserted, but there's not a major shopping mall around every corner.  Nope, no TJMaxx where I'm going.  No Walmart or Old Navy either.  While there are modern conveniences, there are definitely big differences between island and mainland "stuff" (There isn't even a major highway on the little rock I'm heading to).  There's so many differences, that it has taken me this whole year to finally feel like I combed every nook and cranny of Maine/New Hampshire where I was.  Now, I get to hit all of my old favorite spots here in my hometown - if they are still here, and check out many of the new things that have popped up since I've been gone.  All while getting to see and spend time with those in my heart.  I even get to stop in and check on my Nana.  I know that it's just a "place" and she's always with me, but sometimes it's just nice to be right there.  Yep, silver linings.

Even simple things like time zones are a silver lining to being here on the east coast.  Where I'm heading next is going to pose a challenge for family, friends and I to keep up via FT and phone calls.  (The arrow in the photo above is pointing to Paradise#2).  We'll have to balance time carefully each month or so just to get an hour of air time in.  So, I'll try my best to get in touch with everyone before I head out.  Funny how we take time for granted.  We just "fell back" and I'm still trying to get used to that one hour!

I really try to count my blessings each and every day.  I have so many.  As I sit here totaling up my east coast silver linings, I'm forced to reflect on what is to come for me.  I'm probably one of the most blessed people in the Universe.  I get to move to a gorgeous tropical island.  I get to travel to places I have only seen on my bucket list.  I get to make more of my dreams come true all while being with the man I love.  Making memories is amazing.  I don't want to sit behind a cameral the whole time, but I sure can tell you that you'll reap some of the benefits I will have, even if only through photos.  I'll continue to tell my story, and learn more and more about myself and my strengths and weaknesses.  I'll continue to be forced to  live outside my comfort zone, and open my eyes to amazing adventures that await me!

Life's a beach, and then you live on one...